A Hatred of All Things Axe
by BluePhyre
Summary: Rosalie Hale hates many things. Homework, werewolves, Mike Newton. But did you know she hates the smell of Axe, too? I bet you didn't. But she DOES enjoy finding a reason to beat up her least favorite of Bella's admirers... And her beauty, of course.


**Disclaimer: Oh em gee, guess what! I don't own Twilight or any of its characters! But I _do_ own a Twilight button! Ah hah...**

Hey, I decided to edit "A Hatred of All Things Axe" just for the heck of it. Really, it wasn't long enough. Well, it's still only a little more than three pages, but still. I added a few jokes and stuff... And actual dialog! ZOMG, right!? I know, I know. Thanks for everyone who reviewed before, you're awsum. And so is everyone who did not read this willingly, but instead by force of moi. Yeah, I make a few of my friends read my fanfics... -.-' I know, I'm pitiful. Wow, this is the first time I;ve posted on fanfiction in years. Well, not years, obviously, but a long time. Oi, I should probably upload this one fic I've been working on... and having random people edit... And stuff. Yeah. Ugh. Bored enough to babble. Sorry.

-

-

-

It was a normal enough day, a Friday, actually. Well, normal isn't exactly the word for it. Being a nearly 100-year old vampire with superhuman senses and a vast fortune in the bank isn't… well… normal… by any means. So sue me. But anyway… Alice was planning on taking me and Bella, by means of kidnapping, to the mall. That was normal enough, right?

I was walking down the hall, minding my own business, like I usually do. Sweet, innocent, naive me. I _do_ admit that maybe, just perhaps, you know, hypothetically, sometimes, most of the time, really, I'm minding my own business in the closet with Emmett instead, but I'm trying to stick to the whole "normal" thing. We haven't done _that_ in school - for the record, in and _on_ school grounds are very different - since the janitor walked in on us and started watching. Creepy. Anyway, Alice was on one side of me, Bella the other. I'm not quite sure why the human was with us at all… She's a bother. Though, I don't really want her to be changed, either. Can't she just go away? If Edward didn't act all pitiful without her around, I would have snapped her scrawny neck in an instant. Would've been pretty fun, too. Wait, that's irrelevant… Where was I, again?

Oh, yeah, I remember. And then, _it_ happened. Yes, the dreaded _it_. I hate it when people try to be dramatic with their "it's" and stuff, but I pull it off. because I'm me. So... it.

I don't know _who_ opened that door, but somebody did, and I swear, one day I will hunt them down and murder them. I just haven't gotten to it yet. Slowly would be my preference. I wouldn't mind some leather involved, either. Leather always makes torture more fun. It's a known fact. Why else would they show it in all those kinkier movies? To spite all those annoying, vegan cow-huggers? I think not.

My reflexes were good enough, so I didn't crash into the formidable slab of wood; though Bella smashed head on into the thing and collapsed in a heap. With a short snort, I watched as her hands flew to her bleeding nose. Alice hissed and slapped a hand over her nose, and I followed suit, glad that I hadn't run into the door myself. Not like it would hurt… It's just that I didn't want to rip the door off its hinges. Normal humans don't do that, right? Unless Bella is even weak on mortal standards… Who knows? I'd believe it. Well, back to the story…

My nose was merely millimeters from the sign reading "Men's Locker Room" in that disgusting print they use all over the school just to give you a nervous breakdown if you think sbout it too much - never happened to me, I swear - when it hit me like a train. No not any normal train, but a bullet train, going full speed ahead, without the driver to stop it, but a lot of fat people, the opposite of my trim figure, which many admire ardently, making the weight heavier. Momentum higher... All that science shit. I wouldn't make the train any heavier. And it wouldn't really hurt me, anyway, probably send me flying, but that isn't the point! Well, on second thought, I could easily stop a train… God, I sound like some creepy superhero or something. Rosalie Hale does _not_ run around in spandex and a cape. Not unless it's role play time in Emmett and my bedroom. But even as open as we are, that little number would not venture beyond those four certain walls. Hell no. Everyone knows, no matter how tight, spandex is _not_ hot.

Ah… I'm getting off topic again… Yes, back to my horrifying "it."

It was the horrible stench of–I shiver–Axe (Bow chika wah wah!), and it covered up even the delicious scent of blood. All I could smell was… Axe. Ugh. I hate the smell, I hate the jingle, and I hate anyone who wears it. Especially Mike Newton. But I would hate him even if he didn't dress horribly and smell like - and have the wealth of - an Axe factory worker. He's just Mike Newton. It's a fact of life. Everyone loves Raymond. Everyone hates Mike. Everyone knows Rosalie. You get it, right?

Being able to stop breathing, I did. But not without doubling over in an Axe-induced stupor first, because I'm just dramatic like that. I believe it adds to my beauty, which, of course, is already flawlessly unattainable by anyone other than me. That's just how I roll. Believe it.

Wow, I just sounded like that Naruto guy… Weird. That makes it seem like I actually, you know, watch the stupid show! Rosalie Hale does _not _do anime. Name… Ugh… I can't remember the name! Oh, duh. Naruto… Blonde moment.

Eh heh, back to the story.

"Rosalie?" Alice asked, also not breathing, while Bella stares, still obscuring her nose, in shock, as to why I collapsed a mere second ago. And then, none other that that stupid, idiotic, _human_ boy, Mike Newton, opened the damn same door. Only this time smacking me in my gorgeous face. In his hands was the dreaded Axe of Doom. My impact with the door didn't hurt– on the contrary, I left a dent in the wood– but it gave me a slightly liable excuse to beat the nerd-ified shit of the little twerp.

"Oh my God," Newton exclaimed loudly, rushing to my side and bending over. The smell of human was barely noticeable underneath the cloud of Axe– my nonexistent stomach heaved. When I began to gag, Mike asked, "Are you alright, Rosalie!?"

"What do you think, dumb shit!?" I screeched, my hand acting on its own accord until it collided with Newton's hideous face. He went reeling back and into the opposing wall, his hands over his nose. The scent of blood wafted to me and both Alice and I grew tenser.

"Holy crap," Mike hissed softly, his words muffled by his protecting hands. I shifted onto the balls of my feet– a hunting stance. I felt my eyebrows crease and my nose scrunch as I glared through the thin slits my eyes had become. Feline Rosalie was taking over.

Mike Newton, being the coward he is – though smart to fear at this point, since I had just punched him into a wall hard enough to leave a dent – whimpered and writhed under my hateful, feral stare. A growl ripped through my throat and that was when I pounced, on him too fast to be considered human.

After my third punch to the gut, I felt tiny, albeit strong, arms wrap around my waist and yank me off. Alice's eyes met mine and a warning hiss left her lips, too quiet for mortal ears.

"Not out in the open, Rosalie," she whispered. "Calm yourself or I'll be forced to subdue you myself. I do not want to lay a hand on my sister. Especially a sister who's thinking about killing Mike Newton." I nodded solemnly, standing to my full height and backing off.

Newton's fearful glare made me laugh, as his nose bled and a trickle of crimson liquid stained his bottom lip a cherry red. I thanked whoever ran the world for control over my more primal instincts and wheeled away. All eyes were on me, though I could sense none more than the horrified tenor that was Bella's. She glanced at me from where she sat, cradled against the ugly grayish wall.

With an apologetic grin, I flounced off. Alice trailed behind with a tenacious sigh. Really, I might hate the girl, but I don't want to _scare_ Bella. God knows how much Edward would torture me for it later.

I rocketed out of the damn building and outside to my red M3 BMW. Emmett would just have to catch another ride– I'd prefer to avoid my punishment for today. God knows what the petulant Mr. Greene will have in store for me. As if I'd ever comply. That would happen exactly when Alice rips up her sixteen credit cards, Jasper stops listening to his inner emo, Emmett swears off sex, and Edward gets that gigantic _log_ out of his ass: never.

As I speed down the Oregonian streets, I know, though my hatred of all things Axe tortured me today, I had fun. The moral of this story? Simple. Mike Newton is fun to beat up, especially when you're beautiful as I am.

-

-

-

Whee. Uber shortness! Like me! You know what would be great? That's right, a review! A favorite! And, in your case, a very burnt cookie! I can't cook for my life, btw. . Sigh. The dark side may have cookies, but most of them are burnt. We also have Edward. Facebook, long story... So, basically, review. Now. You'll get a cookie and the satisfaction of making a short person happy. Yes, aforementioned munchkin is me, ranking in at exactly five feet. I'm just lucky to be over the height of a legal midget. Sighness. Review. Review. REVIEW! Thanks, ja' ne.


End file.
